I had instances where I was able to be in the loving arms of the man I love. But that's over now and I haven't had any contact with him since, not even on the internet cause he lost all access to his. I call at least once a week but calling him doesn't do what it used to. Being in his presence, in his arms, seeing his face and looking into his eyes....having my hand in his, hearing him standing in front of me telling me he loves me and having my heart moved so deeply and my breath taken away...that's what I want and need, the only cure. I used to be able to sleep soundly after our conversations on the telephone, but I can't seem to get to that place anymore. It's not enough anymore just to hear his distant voice telling me what has been going on in his week, or day or how much he loves me. It's not enough to feel his love merely by hearing it in his tone of voice. It's not enough to see those hugs and kisses he sends on msn or yahoo as smileys..when I've ha those in real life. When I look back and remember those few days we had to share with each other...the first day we actually hugged...I remember what it felt like...we couldn't let go of each other...no...couldn't and the feeling of knowing from that moment how much we truly were in love with each other was overwhelming and I remember still now and sometimes it feels like a dream but no dream that I could ever dream up could be so real. This is what has been going on in my mind since I have returned. I play those moments over and over again cause I can't help missing and thinking about him.

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