He still doesn't have internet, though I've received several offline messages thru the course of a month. I've been calling him, so it wasn't too bad. Now he's doing some courses in order to change jobs, a less paying one...I don't know, but it's his life. He's not really a part of mine and I'm not really a part of his. Sad to think of it that way. We're in a relationship, but we're not together. What happens in our lives separately don't affect the other...or does it????? I don't know anymore.

His home phone isn't working and you know he can't call me cause he can't afford it, even calls made from city to city there is expensive, forget long distant. For some time we were talking more and more and our conversations got longer. We were talking sometimes for about 2 hours each time. I would call sometimes, twice a week cause I missed him terribly so. Turns out there's something wrong with his home phone, and I can only call him on his cell. Which is not good for him, so conversations have gone down so much. Not only that but he's so tired these days, when I call he's so sleepy he can't talk, ending our call sooner.

It has been tough to say the least. I feel as though I've been doing too much, even if he's the one sharing all his feelings. I haven't told him how sad I've been about the distance and how much I miss him. There have been several times within the past few weeks I have questioned whether we should end this or not.

Since I have been working a lot and getting more tired, I too have not called him as much or had the energy to do so. Work has been too much, taking my energy and with that, my emotions have teased me ever so much with sadness and doubts about this relationship. I get emotional and tiredness does that to me. I'm hoping I'll be in better perspective once I've rested better.

I just don't want to do anything harsh. I feel that I've put more into this relationship, physically...in the sense that I'm the one who went to his country to visit...I'm the one who makes the calls...maybe I just need some time and take a step back for a bit. I'm a mess and all over the place. I should probably take things in slow strides.

It was two hours long cause I didn't want to stop talking with him. I missed hearing his voice so much, it was an unbelievable feeling when I heard it and it had only been about a week or so since the last time I had spoken to him.

Two weeks after coming back from my vacation, one of my co-workers mentioned that she was going there too. So I asked her if she would do me  a favor and take a package to send to him. And she did, so kindly.

So our conversation included him getting the package, and him telling the man, a friend of the family's about him and I. I guess he has some people in his life he feels free and safe to tell about me and our relationship.

A few days ago, my cousin came over for a visit and I  told her about him in confidentiality. I don't know if I should have told her but as not too many family members even know he's in my life.

I had instances where I was able to be in the loving arms of the man I love. But that's over now and I haven't had any contact with him since, not even on the internet cause he lost all access to his. I call at least once a week but calling him doesn't do what it used to. Being in his presence, in his arms, seeing his face and looking into his eyes....having my hand in his, hearing him standing in front of me telling me he loves me and having my heart moved so deeply and my breath taken away...that's what I want and need, the only cure. I used to be able to sleep soundly after our conversations on the telephone, but I can't seem to get to that place anymore. It's not enough anymore just to hear his distant voice telling me what has been going on in his week, or day or how much he loves me. It's not enough to feel his love merely by hearing it in his tone of voice. It's not enough to see those hugs and kisses he sends on msn or yahoo as smileys..when I've ha those in real life. When I look back and remember those few days we had to share with each other...the first day we actually hugged...I remember what it felt like...we couldn't let go of each other...no...couldn't and the feeling of knowing from that moment how much we truly were in love with each other was overwhelming and I remember still now and sometimes it feels like a dream but no dream that I could ever dream up could be so real. This is what has been going on in my mind since I have returned. I play those moments over and over again cause I can't help missing and thinking about him.

He gets jealous over simple things I would never think of anything other than normal behavior in my life. Even before this relationship with him had started, he had been jealous over a picture I had taken with Kurt Browning, the figure skater. Kurt had his arm around me, with his hand on my waist and I did the same. First of all, where he's from girls and boys don't really have physical contact, as a religious factor. I also follow the same religion, but I hug my friends whether male or female. That was actually the moment afterwards, where he told me how he felt about me.
Another time, he got upset and jealous over some guy who cut my hair, yes a hairdresser. I got upset because I drew to conclusions that he didn't trust me. He said that wasn't the case, so then what the hell is it? He doesn't like that another man has touched me. Well I told him, it was just my hair. Apparently I'm starting to get the feeling that he doesn't even like other men taking pictures of me. I have a feeling, no confirmation yet. I had sent him a bunch of pictures and he asked me if a man or a woman took them for me, and I told him the truth as always....my friend and co-worker Patricia took them.
Then the dinner party I had with work, I sent pictures to him of that. One of which I have mentioned in my previous post.
I'm so upset and getting all bothered over this whole thing. I have told him, it is perfectly innocent. What the hell is he thinking? Does he think that these men are only thinking about one thing, even when we are simply just friends? Why should it matter anyhow? It should only matter what I'm thinking or feeling about that specific person, shouldn't it?
I'm upset because I have a feeling we're going to end up having an argument and this may not end up well at all. He has no internet so the only way I've been keeping in contact is by calling him once a week with a calling card. He only has heard my sweet loving voice. He has only seen me upset when he touched me inappropriately that one evening. Which is also an issue, if he believes what he believes..that a married woman should only have that kind of contact with her husband. We aren't married and there was more affection and more contact than a mere hug between us, more than once. So in that case, it would be double standard.
I've been racking my brain over this. I have a feeling if we get into this discussion, I will get upset even more so, get angry, no...pissed off and say something I will hate myself for later, something I will regret so much.
But in all honesties...if he can't get over this...where exactly did he think this relationship was going to go? This is how I am with my friends and I'm not about to stop being who I am for nobody, not even for the love of my life.
Anyone out there have a say in this, please say it. I get it that he comes from a different kind of culture, but this is how I am.

Continuation from last post....

He had said he would come over after work, but I already suspected he wouldn't due to the weather. When I was out sight seeing, he had called on the cell phone. He asked me if I was upset that he wasn't going to come see me, and although I was, I said I wasn't because I didn't want to force him. Instead, he said he would cancel his appointment for the next day to see me. He had noticed my behavior from his last visit and mentioned it to me. He told me he was sad leaving me.
The next evening he came by late, and it was awkward with everyone around. We just sat and spoke about whatever was on our minds. Then he was gone, like the wind. No hugs, no kisses, just a handshake.

The next day was his birthday and I had almost forgotten about it cause I was so busy, going out and what-not.
The next day came and he said he was coming as early as possible. We went to the mall, holding hands as we walked to and from. We walked around and joked about stupid little things. Before he left the apartment, my cousin took a picture of the two of us. I went with him down the elevator, hoping we'd get some time alone. It was our last time before I was leaving for home. We simply rode the elevator and when it stopped, we hugged and he took my hands in his and we looked into each others' eyes and said goodbye. As he closed the elevator door, every few seconds, he said bye again, and again till there was no more doorway left to look thru. The moment he was gone, my heart sank and the elevator ascended. I wanted to run and hide and never reappear.
Later that night I was too upset, I started crying and couldn't get myself to stop. We should have had a proper goodbye, hugs and kisses, holding each other. I knew I wasn't going to see him for a long time.  I called him when I knew he'd be home. He told me he wasn't good at goodbyes, and I told him that I hated them too much. He apologized for being in such a rush for getting home, but what was I supposed to say?
The next day came, my last one in his home country. I called him early in the morning as I hadn't been able to sleep well. We spoke for over an hour. Later on in the day I called him again, as well as in the evening, as time neared for my departure from this country of his. I called him one last time, before I left the apartment for good.
I was completely exhausted that when I sat down on the plane, I was gone like a light, even before it started moving towards the runway. When I had woken up, the lights were out in the plane and it began crying for how much I loved him dearly, cause I honestly do.

I still do, after almost a month of leaving that place...still. He doesn't have internet now, as there have been some problems with that. We talk on the phone when I can call him. We are still very much in love. Unfortunately he seems to get jealous or have problems with my male friends being physically close to me. I send pictures to him, and the last one I sent was with me hugging my friend from behind as he sat on a chair and he was holding my hands on his chest. So he got upset seeing that picture, but I don't know what to do. I feel bad that he feels that way and he says it has nothing to do with trust, so I don't know what it is that makes him feels so bad.

Well, other than that, everything is going well on the home front. I have been thinking of going back to visit again. Whether that is going to happen next year or the one after, I don't know. I was hoping of traveling  to another part of that country, after all there's still so much I'd like to see there.

I"m running into the end of my trip here visiting the man who could be the one true love of my life. If you read my last post you would have learned that I hadn't seen him within the first week I had arrived. He was sick and could not get to see me as he doesn't live in the same city as where I am staying. The first encounter we had almost didn't happen, but selfish little me was upset and was about to have her heart broken about him not coming because of a slight storm. I was very upset, so he changed his mind and he came. I felt horrible for making him feel guilty but he came anyhow.

Our first meeting for me, was quite awkward as I had never felt this deep love for anyone in all my life, not for somebody who loved me back so much, probably even more so. It was awkward because my family was around and it didn't give much opportunity to share perosnal conversation. Then my cousin put the kids to bed and my aunt and uncle went out and we were left all alone. The awkwardness lifted off my shoulders. We spoke freely. Yet, I was still nervous and shy.

When he was about to leave, he asked for a hug and of course I said alright to that. We couldn't let go of each other, we held on tight, then I recieved my very first kiss on the lips, my very first. For the first time I had let a man do that, never before would I have allowed that to happen. I was somewhat astonished that I let it happen and that it had happened so easliy. The action itself made me love him more than ever before. We kept holding each other so tight and I could've stayed in his arms forever. It was as though I was meant to fit into his arms and him in mine, a perfect fit. That was our first meeting.

The second one, I convinced him to take me out to the huge bazaar, with so many tourists. I felt completely comfortable with him, at ease with being close to him physically. We held hands and I felt too much love for him. A lady on the street commented on us, that we looked like a sweet married couple, and we both smiled shyly....one day...that's what he answered back to her. Eventually we headed back to the appartment, where in the elevator things got a little crazy....steamy.....kisses gallore...but I had to stop it cause I really wasn't the type of girl to let a guy take advantage like that. He had touched me in a fashion which I felt unsuitable. We were in an elevator! I was upset because he had tried to do something I wasn't ready for....and he felt aweful for making me feel so bad. He profusely appologized but I didn't accept it.

The next day he appologized again and I asked him to promise never to do something like that again. Maybe some of you may not understand, but physical contact the way he had done to me, was not something I was going to let happen unless we were married. He promised and I said I forgave him.

He came to visit yesterday and I felt awkward and distant. I don't know if he picked up on it at all. He stayed longer than he probably should have and left without a hug or kiss as family was lingering around in the appartment.

Now here I am hoping my head will clear of this confusion in my brain. I know he loves me more than I thought was possible and I still love him like never before. I'm hoping by his last visit tomorrow, things will be settled. This is true love, it is, I know. I'll be damned if I don't let this go cause I refuse to let him slip out of my arms and out of my life.

I've got family surrounding me in this wonderful place. They've been extremely kind to me. And all I can think about is him. I've been in his country now for a few days now and I wish I had already met the man. I am the impatient kind. I was crying just a few minutes ago wondering how this relationship is going to move along, yet I know I could never let him go. I terribly, crazily, head over heels in love with him. I know how he feels about me, and it is also what fuels my feelings back to him. I've called him twice the first day I got here and it was a little strange and risque considering nobody in the family knows of our relationship. We have been quite free most times in sharing our feelings for each other, but this has been quite awkward. I asked if it would be alright to get Yahoo Messenger so I can keep in contact with all my friend, but I merely want to send him my feelings and thoughts, without the awkwardness, without the censoring, so to speak. I want the "i love u's" and I want all the "hugs and kisses and hearts" and I want to give them back and this is the only way it is possible. So I downloaded it and am much happier now that we can converse freely, secretly.

I'm misssing him even more than ever...now that I'm in his country, but he's still too far away. It's way too expensive to call him as he doesn't live in the city I'm staying...urgh....so it's worse, no phone calls and maybe in some ways it's better cause we can keep things to each other.

I just want to meet him, spend time with him, be in the same room with him and give him the biggest hug he's ever gotten. I can't wait!!!!

Tanatanatana (music from Jaws) Just joking....I'm so glad he's back. Maybe we'll get the chance to chat a few times before I finally leave. God I hope things work out well when I get there and we do get to see each other. Can you imagine, me going all the way over there and we never even get to meet?! I don't even want to think about that. It has to happen, we have to meet.

I got an offline message from him last night so at least he's back home now. Just a few more weeks and we will get a few weeks' chance to spend some time together. That puts this huge smile on my face and warm feelings in my heart. Oh I can't wait!!!

Yeah, in a few days or so, hopefully, as his training will be over by then. I miss him terribly so as always. I guess the anticipation of seeing him in person is making it easer to wait. Still, I do miss him, seeing his smile and hearing his voice. I don't know yet if we will even get the chance to see each other here. I know I don't have the money to buy any more calling cards, so tel conversations are out of the question. It's only a month or so left till I am there. The thought clouds my mind and judgement. What happens if things don't work out. I'm nervous and scared. Yet in the back of my mind, I try to be positive, thinking, we're already crazy about each other...will it really matter now? Hmmmm...I really won't know will I till it happens....oh gosh. Fear is closing in on me. I won't let it control me, not this time, not with him...noooooooooooooooooo!

It hasn't been so bad not being able to chat or call him this past week. I've been busy anyhow, but it still would have been nice. There have been times where I've had the instinct to come online and see if he's around, even though I know he won't be. What to do, what to do? I miss him, but it's ok. I'm guessing for the next 5 weeks, we won't have any phone conversations as I won't be able to afford buying any calling cards. Anyhow, I'll be there soon enough and meeting my love. Smiles form across my face from ear to ear. Just the thought of being in the same room with him warms my heart. I hope it goes well, our meeting, and spending time together.